fml

have you ever been screwed over by the same person to many times and your stupid enouhgh to go back everytime knowing it would happen again. this is happening to me. yesterday i went to her house and at first it was alittle uneasy but by the end of the night we both were happy. she told me thing that she says arent true anymore but how do you make shit up like that. i was actually happy i could sleep and what not but then she says sorry for what happened fuck this im done just cut me out of life cuz i dont wanna be here no more. but karma will come around

wow

i feel like i havn't blogged in like years. truthfully i have been busy and havn't been able to. oh this loneliness hurts so much. i feel like im getting weaker and weaker by the moment. i just wish so much. like Ray J said if i had one wish. but enough of that. these last couple of days been good. i got to hang out with people from school...What? haha i know right it was cool but still awkward. Matt apoligised to me which was random but good at the same time. but still not enough to bring her back. i smoke now. unhealthy habit but it realease the stress that been coming over me for 2 weeks now. and i also made 2 really cool friends squints and annie. haha they are really cool and annie even gave me a nickname...Puppy haha i guess but hopefully the girl they introduce me to is cool and helps me get over her. but part of me actually should i say all of me doesnt want to move on. my heart is telling me to wait even if it hurts you. "if you dont blog about it about it,it will help you get over it" no it wont this is my way of realeasing my stress for the moment but yea hit you guys up later im tired and cant sleep. which sucks cuz i have no one to talk to :( it would be...nvm

so....

wow so these last couple of days have been up and down. it started off friday night where i went to youth service. the sermon was amazing. then saturday was good to i whooped travis and chris at a game of madden then ofcourse wen to chris's house after. chris had left to pick up his older brother and me and travis had a real deep convo that had me in tears. ofcourse it was about my situation with jennifer. and i guess you can say that i want to make her happy no matter how much it hurts me. i had my chance to be happy but i messed up and im paying the consequence for what i did. i didnt cheat on her but what i did was messed up. so i'll just let her be happy even if it means that im not. :/ so i called her at 2 in the morning and had a good convo with her. i also made a song i'll post it below. and today church again was amazing. and my day was actually going pretty good until my freaking parents messed it up for me. ugh but watever what can you do. well im finished catch you later.

umm..

I really don't know what to say. I guess i'll tell you what my day is going to consist of. First I'm going to clean this damn house that never stays clean. Then I'm going to get my stuff ready for church. Watch T.V. for awhile then do the Three S's. You know what those are right; shit,shower,and shave. Then I'm gonna go to church and hopefully this should get my mind off things. I realized this yesterday when i looked in the mirrior that fake smile can't hide the pain in your eyes. I can try to be happy but I truly never will be. I just wish. Oh do i wish so much....well im done bye

I dont know what to call this

so yesterday i went to IB with travis,james,and marc. i thought it would be good for me and get my mind off of things.WRONG i just couldnt stop thinking about her. I just wanted to be with her right there in the water. But i know it wont happen. I woke up early today and i ran all the way to Reo just so i can give her the letters i wrote for her. i left and i started to run back home. i thought i was gonna stop at parkside park to kick it with someone for alittle but they ended up bailing on me. seems like people been doing that to me lately :(once i got near the school my knee gave out worst pain in awhile. so ashjax offered to give me a ride but carlos happened to drive by and picked me up. we went to my house caught up on old times and finally he left. now im here all by my self :( wish i could be with her

Don't wait for me to die!!!

As i read this book by Pastor Mark Vega I can relate to it and I feel he is speaking to me.
The first chapter is titled "The four seasons of walking with God" It starts off talking about how a piece of coal and how over time it turns into a beautiful diamond. But for this to happen it has to endure long periods of extreme heat. But if the coal can't resist the heat and breaks then the process is ruined. But once it's finish it turns into a diamond. Now think of it like this, you are the coal and over time you have to endure problems which is represnted by the heat. But once you get through these problems you will turn into a beautiful diamond(figuretivley speaking). Then he starts talking about the four seasons; summer,fall,winter,and spring.

Summer is so beautiful and he say this is the time where our prayers seem to be heard and answered instantly. We feel Gods presence all the time and when we read the word of God we feel him even more. and every day that goes by, we feel God loves us even mor and more each day. But then after summer comes fall.

In fall everything from summer start to unwind. This is when your prayers dont seem to be answered. you start enduring problems that you think you can't come through. the sun doesnt shine like it used to. But it is important to know that you must walk this path by faith and not by sight.

After fall comes winter and this is when the problems seem to be the worst. you feel yourself questioning God and his promises he made. you feel that God is no longer with you. but its moments like these where you have to follow God no matter the cost. We can always trust God.

Finally we have spring and this is where we start to see signs of God our problems seem to fade away and life begins to be good once again.

But like the seasons these seasons also repeat and you have to prepare and stay strong once they come back around. Remember God loves you and he will always be there whether you feel him or not. God bless

:(

What if I could've done something diffrent. What if I had gone to Del mar fair that day. Could have things changed could i have been happy today. What would have happen if i didn't neglect to go to church would we be happy. Im such a screw up, I hate feeling like this. When is this nightmare going to end

mmm....sleep

Unfourtunaley for me I would have been better of with another sleepless night. I had a dream about her and when I awoke I was crying. I miss her so much, I am not used to not having her and to tell you the truth I want her in my arms right now. I dont get why I am like this sometimes I'm strong and I make myself believe I'm happy and other days I'm like this. What sucks is there are more times I am depressed then I am happy. So I got up washed my face and sat down at my laptop. And there it was it hit me like a natrual disaster, tears had started and they didn't stop I can't be happy. I looked to my right and I saw the picture of us with our matching hollister shirts. One of the things I had neglected to put away so i grabbed it put it in the box and the pictures of my wall too. There was still one thing that I had that kept me bounded to her and that was my ring. A ring that everytime I looked at it told me lies. "Forever Love" something I wish could happen but I guess she doesn't care about the promise. I tried to take off the ring but I just can't its my promise to her also and I am going to stick to that promise that my love for her will never end. I just wish we could be happy together but it seems like that can't happen. I think it can she just doesn't believe it. Well I'm done with this blog. bye

total idiots

so im with travis and james and as usual we are total idiots just like the title explains. we started off trying to have a ukulele explosion but we ended up acting like dummy's recording dumb stuff that i will post up later. we have taerats or however you spell it we are filming something right now. i know i will regret posting this video. But spending time with these guys has really lifted my spirit. well im out. God bless

reality kicking in!!!

After a long sleepless night i cleaned for most of the day and decided not to mourn the recent decision that jennifer made about our realtionship. My sister finally came home after not being her for the last day and pretty much forced me to apply for home depot and college... After i finished both i felt accomplished and that life has started for me. kinda scary at first but im pretty sure i'll get the hang of it...hopefully. Today i also had a chance to text my youth pastor and he gave me a word of God and told me to keep my head up. i felt better but i still miss what i had with jennifer. even though she is completely over me im going to wait even if it wastes my time. she will know that i was gonna stay with her no matter what..i have nothing else to say but Let God deliver you from the pain or whats holding you down. Because Deliverence is yours tonight. Amen and Goodbye

one sleepless night

As I stared into darkness thinking "where did i go wrong" i didn't think it could happen to me. I was wrong it can happen to anybody. I lost alot yesterday, I lost hope, the sight of my future, even the one i loved. I couldn't take the pain, after i was kicked out of the ER because my dad was there i went for jog. I really needed to get things off my mind. Unfourntunaley i realized that jogging alone only brought worst thoughts in my head but it kicked me back into reality. I realized i had lost sight of the one person who Loved me no matter what and that is God. He only put us threw these hard times to make us stronger and if it wasn't for Jennifer telling me "God doesn't put us threw stuff we couldn't handle" i would have never been able to keep my head up. Dont get me wrong im depressed right now but all i have to do is turn to God and he will guide me threw this hard time in my life. And as for the night i didnt get no sleep i couldnt sleep so i just stared at my cieling and watched my fan. And i was thinking why did i stop going to church i would like to think it was because i didnt have my car and i know thats a lie. i couldve asked to borrow the car for one night but i was to busy straying myself away from God. But its going to change Im going to stop being such a hypocrite and actualy follow what i believe. well im done now. Goodbye